*Originally written March 18, 2014*’

*Errrm, yeah…spoiler alerts and shit.*

Ever since Mellie-gate (hereafter referred to as “the episode that shall not be named” or depending on how many drinks you’ve had, “what the f&*! was THAT?” ) had most Scandal viewers cringing, befuddled, and irritated, I think it’s a fair statement to say that the general quality of the writing (which was already on a Shonda Rhimes bell curve) took a turn for the worse. I won’t go so far as to declare that the shark has officially been jumped…but at the very least you can see a pointed fin peeking out into the horizon.

It has gotten to the point that the last episode ended in yet another “Scandal history-making” (does anyone even know what that means?) whodunit – and I was more concerned about the fact that I was quickly running out of edamame than the impending doom of one of the interchangeable secondary characters that Shonda treats as well as I do my extra ketchup packets from Wendy’s.

With all of these knocks I have against it, why do I bother to continue watching? Well, for one, I love to have things to snark about. I’m also too lazy to figure out something else to do on Thursday’s at 10. But most importantly, I’ve found another way to entertain myself while watching Scandal….and that’s to laugh at the entirely hilarious ways they try to disguise Kerry Washington’s pregnancy.

Long gone are the full body shot sex scenes. No more sprawling out on the President’s desk at the oval office. All narrow shot soft-lens everything.

So, with (thankfully) only a few episodes left in the season…I thought I’d do our friends over at Shondaland a solid and help them with a few tips to finish out the season with nary a pouch in sight.

  1. British Royal Furniture – Mellies obviously always wanted to run this mutha, so why not let her order a high-backed chair a-la Queen Elizabeth? Olivia Pope is a petite woman…we could get a chair that would go up to her nose (because lets be honest, her cheeks aren’t doing the directors any favors either). I’m sure the Game of Thrones set has some throwaway seats from the Lannister Palace that they can send Shonda’s way. (I’m sure its not called Lannister Palace but I don’t read the books and don’t care to be accurate here).
  2. Burqa – So we haven’t fleshed out this Adnan Salif lady besides her being a murdery sex fiend (who knows Olivia’s mom?) – but what’s stopping Shonda from going international here? Let do it homeland style and go to Damascus. Maybe Lebanon. Saudi Arabia mayhaps? Get some oil goons involved. This’ll give Kerry the dual benefit of a) wearing lose fitting clothes and b) wearing flats. And again…fixes that pesky face problem.
  3. A lingerie drawer that gets one shelf higher every week – I have no other explanation for this other than I would be gleefully entertained by how tall they could go.
  4. Work it in….kind of – The concept of a Presidential lovechild already has me groaning, and no one has time for a “who’s the daddy” triangle (let’s leave paternity tests with Maury Povich, where they belong). However…why can’t we have Olivia Pope fall apart and start binge eating? She’s got two sociopath parents, and all of her friends are murders. Even her employees are murders (or at the very least, torturers). She doesn’t seem to be going to therapy and she’s already killing a bottle of wine a night. I don’t know about y’all but I think she’s pretty primed to be upping her weekly Seamless bill here.

That’s all I got, folks. Feel free to chime in with your sage advice below. I’m sure Shonda’s waiting with bated breath.

**And yes, I know that they more than likely taped the remaining episodes for the season already. Work with me here.**

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